I know who I am

I’ve grown tired and grown weary

Untrusting and unreliable

Holding everything I love so dearly

At arms length

Making me feel cold and hard,

Unattainable at best

I can’t imagine why you wouldn’t want me

I’m just trying to be sincere

I’m so sated in my pleasure

When you kiss me and hold me in your arms

It’s hard not to feel something

Almost impossible, it’s true

I can’t go on like this,

And do this anymore

You may be big and manly

And say you’ll never fall

But keeping me like this to you,

It’s not very manly at all

When you make me feel like

I can’t feel for you,

Can’t fall for you

It’s so damned painful

My heart shatters when I hear the words

I hate myself for this

I hate how I feel when I’m with you

I hate this double life I seem to be living

Boy I hate everything you do.

When you walk into the room,

I hate the way I look at you

I hate the way I can’t stop staring

Boy I hate the way you get to me.

When you smile at me,

I hate the way you look at me

I hate the way you touch my face

I hate the way you kill me when you hold me

I hate myself for allowing this

I hate myself completely

Oh boy, your making me hate my whole life

If you aren’t in it, absolutely.

Your mouth speaks words I fail to understand.  The fucking stench from your breath reeks as I pass you.  I pass you always in fear.  My knuckles white and tight with anger, ready to backhand any part of you that rubs me the wrong way.  My nostrils still consumed by your alcoholic wave of breathe, clothes feel the dampness of your spilled drink.  Scared of you.  Scared to be who I am, scared to walk or speak my way.  Your image never leaves me.  I feel fucking sick, like I’m ready to blow chunks.  Us with our word war.  Bastard, whore, asshole, nasty.  You can’t fucking touch me.  Hands are greased with lies, and scented with the cigarette you consume.  Don’t try to tell me who I am.  I already know the embarrassing secret of who you are.  You were a mistake in this world.  One mistake that no one could fucking fix.

Rolling Stones

Pass that joint

Sundress swirling

Music blarring

Fire smoke droning

Lips meeting

Pass that beer

Dancing

Floating

Swirling beat

Make love to me

Thin strap sandals

Money in my pocket

Holding hands

Sun sweating

Eyes colliding

Pass that joint

(C)MS 2009

Well day two is here, I made it through, but yes, I admit I slipped up and called you during the day just to hear the sound of your voice. It’s really pathetic I know this. I’m sorry. I’m so thankful you didn’t answer and even more thankful that you don’t have caller display. It’s terrible, my head is spinning, I can’t stand the constant aching in my chest for you. Damn you, why do you affect me like this? Tomorrow is another day. Another day of distractions, another day to keep busy, another day to miss you, another day to wonder where you are and if your thinking about me too.

I had to start a new blog because my stupid ex found the old one. . .all of my writing is supposed to be for my eyes and the general publics eyes only, not for my family and friends. So if you think you know who I am, e-mail me, lol, if you think you know me, and you are a family member or a friend don’t tell me, because I am apt to get pissed and change the blog yet again.

I hate this game, and I hate thinking about you all the time. Your in the flavor of my morning caffeine, your the face I look for everywhere I go.  Your the reason why I feel like dancing, the reason I feel like cleaning, and the reason I bought the George Foreman grill I now have sitting in my clean kitchen.  Will this get easier? I sure hope so. . .It’s only day one, and already I am wishing you would call. Just to hear the smooth notes of your voice, and the tenderness in your words when you say my name, when you find that it’s me.  Well what do you expect when you tell me my ears are perfect, and that if you could take a picture of me in the moment it would be beautiful because of the way the light hits my face laying beside you. Do you really expect me not to fall, or do you think I am so cold and have a lack of emotion that leaves me senseless to your charm? I think I may be falling for you, and I’m scared and I’m terrified and I feel like my whole world is going to fall apart if I never see your face and kiss your lips again. I think it’s best that I do this. . .leave you this way. I hope that you call me, I hope that you reach out to me, I hope that you think of me, I hope that you miss me, and see my face when your with another girl.  I’ve never been the best at being patient, at waiting for another to make the first move, so forgive me if I slip up and call just to hear the sound of your voice.  It is only day one, and I find myself staring at my phone, wondering where you are, who your with, and if you think of me.  I know that you will, it’s not my imagination in your eyes, but how long will it take for you to notice and miss me exclusively? All I want to do is run into your house, throw down my jacket and kiss you like you have never been kissed before, and you will see that there will never be another love like this, another feeling like this, another one like this.  Day one, and I am dying without you.